I often forgot her name, but we would say hello and share a smile every time we crossed each other in the hallway – I, a Neonatology Fellow, her a Pediatric Resident, both of us trainees that had met once and only once before on a Friday afternoon as we took a lightning fast report from an EMS crew sprinting in with a small 330 gram human actively continuing to attempt chest compressions with their fingers on an adult stretcher…

The page had come out minutes before to my NICU crew – “ED BABY STAT” – we had sprinted down to help not knowing what we were about to face. I ran into the trauma bay, introduced myself as the team lead and sunk into my most comfortable zone of adrenaline as our NICU nurses and respiratory therapists rushed to get the warmers and supplies ready. We moved the smallest fragile life over to the warmer on arrival, I intubated her with the smallest laryngoscope blade in existence (000 for those that are medical), two of my attendings listened to confirm that they believed I was in the right position, an urgent umbilical IV was placed by the nurse practitioner and we gave chest compressions as I shouted for more epinephrine and we watched the monitor tick way… After 20 minutes we took a step back, acknowledged mortality and ceased our resuscitation. In the back of the room, a fly on the wall, was a kind Pediatric Resident doing her rotation in the Emergency Department, eyes swollen with tears that had bore witness to our long attempt at saving this not savable life in utter emotional exhaustion – I later found out she wanted to simply be an Outpatient Pediatrician and this was likely one of the first times she’d seen something that has become unfortunately not a first for me. I called a time of death, I stepped out of the room, and I went to speak with the family to give the bad news. I kindly went to her as she was about to leave and asked her to come with me, I wanted her to have a chance to be part of this significance, to be part of understanding what I was doing; it is important for Doctors to touch the depth of mortality and to accept and understand death, because eventually someone has to…

If you google the term “Trauma Bond” it has generally a bad connotation, but in the most neutral sense can refer to the attachment process that occurs from a very intense, emotional connection and/or experience. Healthcare and medicine is privy to these things, as are many other walks of life. Pain, suffering and death are all possibly taboo to discuss in the Western world openly but are unfortunately large parts of our lives, and, for some of us, we deal with them more often than not. The depth and the connection of these relationships intertwines our paths for a lifetime and is something that cannot be understated in significance. Throughout my life, I have had so many experiences that have tied me inextricably to another soul and forever we have branded each other with the other’s imprint to blend into the mosaic that creates who we are. These experiences craft our existence and our past creates a template for everything we do in the future. I cherish every single one of these bonds that I have had over the years. The web of connections that have sunk deep anchors into my heart throughout the country lives with me and haunts me every day and reminds me of the important things in my life.

We debriefed that code that day, I thanked her for her help, and we parted ways with a new unique connection that will never be broken.

Image Credit (trigger warning): https://shalvacares.org/trauma-bonding/