In 2010 my father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. I was 20 years old and a junior in college but embarked on the path towards becoming a doctor. At the time, I didn’t even know what the word Neonatology meant. Now, in a few days, I begin a new journey as a Neonatology Fellow – a Pediatrician, specializing in the world of sick and premature babies.

My path to medicine fell into place as a product of the life that surrounded me. With my mother a pharmacist and my father a cardiologist, science just came easily and made sense. I was a teacher’s assistant for a class on evolution and loved organic chemistry – I could watch molecules rotate in multiple dimensions in my head and saw the world differently. The concept of being able to save someone’s life and learning to understand the world on multiple levels was intriguing. So, I finished a major in biological sciences, worked as a pharmacy technician for a bit more of exposure, and after dabbling with the artistic left-handed side of my right hemispheres in language and dance for a few years, I applied to Medical School.

Pediatrics was always such curious field to me. I have always liked kids, I find them very curious and capriciously awkward. I have always been amused in my observation of development and attempts at understanding what thoughts are racing through their divergent minds as the synapses twinkle in the limelight of childhood. I have always liked the idea of a ‘Tabula Rasa,’ or a clean state – a child is never at fault of their own, and the potential to change an entire trajectory, before the point of no return, kept me very optimistic. Also, let’s be honest, it’s pretty fun to talk to them or play with them. However, throughout time, I have found myself gravitating towards intensity, acuity, vulnerability and significance. Dooming diagnoses, serious conversations and managing tough conversations when Death inevitably arrives, fills me with purpose. Guiding families through tough times has led to bonds forged in much deeper fires and indulges the connection with humanity that we all innately seek and long for. I will never forget my first Pediatric Death. She was six weeks old when she earned her wings and her parents always remembered my crazy neck ties and cowboy boots.

I developed a fascination with the mortality of Cancer, one of the largest unknowns that we know of. I spent time at St. Jude Children’s Hospital as a medical student and worked on some Cancer research with a mentor in Residency, but, overtime my heart gravitated towards critical care. The more intense a situation is and the more vulnerability I am privy to, the more deeply I feel Alive.

The world of Pediatric Intensive Care (aka: PICU) caters towards older children, while the Neonatal-Perinatal Medicine (aka Neonatology or NICU), caters towards sick and premature babies generally immediately after birth. While I love both, the Neonatal world captured me for many reasons.

SCIENCE. Understanding creation and life starts in the times of pregnancy and birth. Ages ago, a baby born prior to 32 weeks of pregnancy was considered not viable. With time and decades of research, we have been able to defy nature and push the barrier earlier and earlier. At first 28 weeks of pregnancy became our line in the sand, but then a wave slowly blurred the line and we now teeter on the brink of 22 weeks in some places in the world or the potential for saving a life. It has been unbelievable to think about the progress we have made in trying to understand the age old question: What is the Purpose of Life? Where will we go next?

TEAMWORK. I chose to be a Physician to be a Leader in synergy. With an intentional gap in my training, I have become more conscientious of my role as a teacher and coordinator, continually more humbled by the importance of strong team dynamics. The connection i feel with my high efficiency neonatal resuscitation teams brings me to another plane of energy and I am always excited to teach new learners about what we are doing and loop them in to the situation. Rescuing babies is teamwork and my job is to learn from the team just as it is to find the strengths that can help pull the entire group forward. Surrounding oneself with those that have strengths in your weakest traits, breeds innovation. Neonatology is also one of the few places in medicine where I as a Pediatrician collaborate with an almost entirely different field – I work closely with Obstetricians on the other side of the beginning to life and grow a respect for the limbo that commences moments to days before birth. Everyone you meet will know something you do not know and I learned early on that I have much to learn.

INTENSITY. Sometimes pressure can push you in one direction or another. I have a fear and dislike of certain medical procedures, but others I love; and, I hope one day to be confident in my hands and master over my fear. I’ve learned with time as a locum tenens that the adrenaline is something I enjoy and hope one day to allow it to pass through me fluidly. Let’s do this.

LOVE. The number one reason I decided to meander back towards the delicate world of Neonatology was simply for Love. The lengths that humans will go through for a loved one are substantial, but the journey they will take for their child is endless. Watching the entire life of a couple or family unit in times of duress or success is enlightening. There is a moment of vulnerability and sincerity at which there is a crystal clear frozen moment of time where nothing in the world matters anymore. Nothing we do our entire lives can matter beyond this single esoteric instant. Every time I see a parent cry or hold their newborn for the first time, every second I absorb complete focus as a situation becomes critically concerning, and every sliver of shock that passes through glossy eyes when travesties become miracles is awakening. In an instant everything changes and when the switch flips to selflessness, it is one of the most beautiful points of humanity. While I have endless stories, one of my favorites turns me towards New Mexico. I will never forget when I had a sick baby at that critical access hospital in the desert born to a young 15 year old father and 16 year old mother. I discussed with them that their baby was sick beyond my resources and I needed to transfer her to a bigger hospital a few hours away. I asked if he wanted to follow the ambulance to be with his new baby. They were quiet. He paused, looked up at me, and as he pointed at the young new mom in the room conscientiously despite his youth asked, “Well… She would be alone then right? Hmm… No. I won’t go then. The baby will have everyone to be with her, but I don’t want her to be alone.” To quote one of my mentors and a former Neonatology Fellow now brilliant Attending, Dr. Hamilton, “Parents are often at their best when there is a new baby.” The love that transcends a new human entering life and strengthens a person and their entire family unit. This gives me a reason. This is why I chose Neonatology.