It was March and I found myself in New Orleans attending a memorial and second line for a former medical school classmate… It was amidst an already trying time of close evaluation in my Fellowship Training. I had often felt uncomfortable feelings of ostracism backed by confirmations of rejection leading to questioning of whether or not my decision to go back to Fellowship had been the right one. I wondered if the program had accepted me by accident. I realized during my visit that I had given up a lot for this path, but to what end? Those early in the journey to becoming a physician may not yet realize what will happen in foresight… Just because you make it, doesn’t mean you make it. The thoughts of dropping out of Fellowship, feeling overly scrutinized over minuscule details that have either not mattered or ironically been my strengths as an Attending, and especially as a Locum Tenens Provider, were hard to separate from the depth of sadness I already felt with the loss of one of my closest friends.
What IS all of this work for, if we go too soon? What actually IS our purpose, if the world ends, tomorrow, and is all of the bullshit we put up with actually worth it? What happens if you contribute a majority of your life towards a path but before you get to the end, you end? When Breathe Becomes Air, comes to mind – a story of a Neurosurgeon that was diagnosed with cancer and died shortly after finishing his Residency; he was 37, the age I am as I write this.
As much as I was consumed by mourning, along with family and friends, over a life coming to an end too early, I was also consumed by the difficulty with continuing on in my own training program. The mentorship I had been promised was absent, the inspiration I had once had was fading, and the energy and gusto I had entered with had become grey. At the memorial, there was only one other former medical student classmate there, who I openly confided in of my troubles that were distracting me from all of the events going on at the time. I told her how I had thought about dropping out, how I had talked to our mutual friend, Dr. Breskin, about similar struggles, and, as one of the most empathetic and humanistic doctors and friends I have ever known, she responded, “Well… They must have matched you and must want you to continue because they know…” (and this part stopped me in my tracks), “…that you will Do Something Good for the World.”
I went back to my Fellowship and graduated, and in my last words as I departed, I sent an email out to over 1,000 people on the listserv, as was customary for many leaving the department, to my future plans and ended it with a quote from St. Ignatius that my friend James (our highschool valedictorian) had echoed in his pivotal speech when we graduated, “Go forth and set the world on fire.“
The journey to get to where I am at this moment has been an adventure. It has been both the path well taken and the trail never seen. At the moment I write this, I find myself in a coffee shop, in the quiet town of Las Cruces, New Mexico – I was given signs, I followed them, and they brought me here. I have reflected every day for years and through this blog on what purpose is.
I am still unsure of where the world will take me, but I continue to wander along the path I started, in hopes of enjoying the sights along the way, to wherever it goes. I think about my friend and how she contributed so much good to the world before she left us and wonder if one day I will be able to say I did the same. But forever, the words replay in my mind when I hit a new crossroad, or find myself devoid of motivation… Perhaps my purpose is simply to do something good for the World.
Happy Birthday Dr. Renata Harkcom, Rest in Peace.
