As I write this, in the middle of 240 consecutive hours on call, I am sitting across the room from a table of medical students studying anatomy in a dimly lit coffeeshop in Las Cruces, New Mexico.
The LoFi music is playing. Keys are clicking. Pages are turning.
And for some reason, I can’t stop watching them.
Because I remember being them.
I remember… the Obsession.
I feel that the word has many connotations, but mostly bad ones; yet, for the right thing and the right situation, I feel it may serve a purpose. Perhaps obsession can be constructive when directed towards something meaningful and bounded to the rest of life. There are obviously certain things, whether it be hobbies, work, interests, or relationships where the level of interest in something may reach an unhealthy point where consumption of thought and consumption of activity leads to deviation from other necessities in life, from hygiene and self-care, to social/community relationships. Yet, on that end, maybe the need for community has extents as well… Possibly another side thought and question to answer. Depending on the source for the definition, the word “obsession” can mean anything from “a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling broadly: compelling motivation” (Merriam-Webster), to “an extreme interest in someone or something, that you think about all the time” (Cambridge Dictionary), to “a persistent unwanted thought, image, or urge that intrudes into consciousness, is stifling or distressing, and is difficult to control or eliminate” (American Psychological Society), but depending on the context, I would argue it’s not always a bad thing, it’s about it’s presence and the control of it that matters.
A good doctor, after all, needs some sort of Obsession with Medicine; otherwise, what are we?
Perhaps the word tenacity might serve the goal of a good or great physician for some, but this tends to define really the ability to continue along a path of life that is over a few decades of training or education and a life time of learning; but doesn’t really define, at least for me, the inspiration. Passion, is a great reason and great motivation or nidus for those that go into medicine, but those that find Obsession, are sometimes the ones that are needed to move medicine forward.
To get through the training, to make it down the long road, motivation for money or for fame or for prestige, I find, aren’t enough and leave those seeking these gains, wanting. Searching for the holy grail is always underwhelming in the end. But, those obsessed with the concept of Medicine, find themselves forever growing and evolving. They find themselves effortlessly falling in love with taking care of humanity. They find themselves rediscovering passion every day. Maybe there is some irony in writing about healthy obsession while sitting in a coffeeshop during a 240-hour stretch of call. I know that for the long days and hours that I am on call, that every day is spent focused on advancing care and life. And then, when I’m off, I’m off.
To let an obsession drive you to the point of insanity where nothing else in life gets done, and sacrifice of the important factors that most people consider crucial to being human – relationships, love, family, wellness, etc. – is maladaptive and leads to burn-out. But good obsession, as I would forever argue, as long as it leaves room for the other importances in life, creates The Best.
I hope I am a decent doctor, I hope that I am at least acceptable and empathetic and understanding for the patients and families I take care of. I hope that I am able to make the right medical decisions from a standpoint if under review of my peers. But, I am slightly obsessed with being the best I can be and dedicating my life to those that need me to.
I look across the room again at the medical students studying anatomy. They probably don’t know it yet, but they are in the middle of becoming obsessed.
And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe the goal isn’t to rid ourselves of obsession, but to learn what deserves it.
To give ourselves completely to something without giving everything else away.
To be obsessed enough to become better doctors, without becoming so obsessed that we forget how to be human.Because perhaps the best kind of obsession isn’t the one that consumes your life.
It’s the one that gives your life direction.
Image Credit: ChatGPT
